Twenty Thirteen, Friends.

It has begun.

Been alone most of the holiday season, I ain’t complaining this time. It’s nice to have time on my own. In those loneliest hours I learn to know who my friends really are. Or more of, who I am to them.

Apparently, it’s a very limited list. I guess I’m bad at keeping friends.

I crave for friends who doesn’t need Facebook to know how I’m doing. Have a two way street in communication. Who wouldn’t mind a conversation of how’s things at the moment. ‘Cause that’s just how I am, I can’t switch it off. After a while, I get tired, I just have to let it go.

I pray for friends that who wouldn’t mind me whining to them about how life sucks right now, and being fine with me being human, and just hoping for someone to listen - even if it means they can’t do much to help. That’s right, I should be praying.

Time comes for me to be a faded photo in your soon-to-be old treasure box. 

Alright, it’s okay. Guess it’s better to turn this way.

bintang kena sailang.

Aktiviti harian. Dongak. Lihat langit. Langit malam hari ini,disini banyak bintang, dan seperti biasa selepas hujan, langit lengang tidak berawan tebal. Awan ringan bergerak pantas. Dan aku sedar sesuatu yang menarik hari ini. Aku lihat banyak bintang, satu, dua, tiga, lapan dan habis jari aku kira. Dan ada juga kerlipan-kerlipan bergerak ke sana ke mari . Dan seperti biasa aku ingat itu satelite , mungkin kerana cahaya dia terang (orang kata yang berkerlip itu satelite). 

Kemudian aku tengok lagi “eh bergerak”. Aku tenung dan dongak sampai-sampai mahu terkehel urat leher. “eh kapal terbanglah” (sebab berkerlip-kerlip dan bergerak-gerak). Aku tunduk semula membetulkan tengkuk kejang. Tetapi tidak mungkin itu kapal terbang. “Ada lima, kalau langgar? Eh apa aku fikir?” Dek perasaan tidak puas hati. Aku pergi cari sudut pandangan lain. Kejap kejap aku bersila mendongak, kejap kejap aku baring terdampar. Melihat langit. “eh! Bukan satelite! Bukan juga kapal terbang”. Bukan satelite yang bersinar-sinar atau kapal terbang yang bergerak-gerak. Serious tidak tipu. Eh!!!!!!! Itu BINTANG. Ya aku pasti itu bintang. 

Lepas itu aku sengih sendiri, kerana perangai pelik diri. Tahu kenapa? Kerana bintang itu sama dari dulu tetap disitu,sama. Cuma dek putaran bumi, dek awan lalu-lalang, dek angin ribut kencang, dek satelite sinar-sinar. Aku jadi tidak nampak itu bintang. Buta. Dan hari ini awan ringan sangat, lalu ia bergerak pantas, pabila aku tenung dalam-dalam, bulat-bulat. Ya! Awan yang bergerak, berselerak, buatkan bintang kelihatan bergerak seperti kapal terbang.walhal Bintang itu sentiasa sama dan sentiasa disitu cuma dikaburi lalu-lalang , dan sailang-sailang yang cuba menghalang.

P/s ~ sakit tengkuk dek perubahan posisi hidup, dek perubahan larasan mata.Celet Yoko-yoko Jap. 

Pp/s ~posisi hidup dan larasan mata buatkan aku senang nampak yang lain,yang juga kabur macam Bintang.yang aku tidak nampak tiga tahun sudah.haha hidup kelakar.

A letter to future-me

Dear future-me,

I hope when your reading this you got everything you wanted. I hope that you've become the person-you-have-worked-so-hard-on-becoming-but-somehow-managed. You keep your ass because the world made you that way for a reason. It’s a good thing you don’t let people push you around but you know your walls also prevent you from living the way you want to. 

I hope you’re happy, really I do and that you maintained that your happiness and the happiness of your family is really all that matters in life. I hope you keep on believing that happiness comes from within not from other people or material objects. I hope that whatever you’re doing, you’re doing it well and to the best of your ability. I hope that eventually you find a girl who meets all your standards, I also hope you never lower your standards. 

 I hope you still have your health and are still thankful for it everyday. I hope you don’t let your anxiety control your life (also your happiness) and have continued to exercise to help with it. I hope that you've finally learned to love yourself and understand what a huge accomplishment that is, don’t forget to appreciate yourself. I hope karma has found it’s way back to you. I know you’re too much of a realist realistically but just try. I hope you still believe that everyone should be congratulated for getting out of bed every day because it really is quite hard. 

At this moment? Your favourite veggie at the moment is avocado. You ate a whole box of chocolates in less than an hour. You have a really fucked up sleeping pattern. You haven’t been awake in the daylight in ages.  See what I mean? It’s 6 am already you’re probably going to go to sleep in an hour.

Dreams? you have no idea so far. finishing uni as fast as you can is not a dream. but you wish you had more time to do more in law studies , but its not the way you’d liked it to be since you still hate group work.

feel lonely even though you’re not. or maybe I am? I feel something is missing but haven’t really figure out what. let me know if you find out in the future.

you wish it was summer. you’re currently listening to death cab for cutie. and you wonder to much about anything. you still don’t know how to manage your time properly and your room is a mess!

I guess that’s what’s going on at the moment.

i would like to get used to this.

i really want this as job. i’m just sitting here, listening to green day, drinking some juice, and writing about fictional people. people i want to meet, people i hate and never want to meet. things i want to happen, things i never want to happen. things that were happened to me. things that are flying through my head all day.

and i really just feel happy writing my fantasy. sometimes i prefer it over reading, cause here i make the ending, i feel what the characters are feeling and only i know what’s coming next.

that’s the reason i like to write and want to be a writer. just so you know.

Let's play a game

A Little Note To God, My Worry

These latest days, each and everyday I woke up, there’s such a worry about how I’m gonna spent the day, am I gonna spent it useless or for something worth it. I mean, the 6th semester had end. It’s holiday for about 2 week, but in other side I have to decided to get out of my comfort zone to do and to think about my two big final task. This is my opportunity to graduate right exactly as the time, 4 years.

I got the chance to, I took almost all the lesson already. I just need to think and done those two big final task. But the matter is, I still got no idea where and how to start. It’s true, and always is as it’s saying ,”It’s hard to take ONE big step than TEN little step”. And yet! There’s another problem that I’m sure, most of my friends are not gonna deal with it. O G, I just can count on You now. And I also realize that I have to breakaway… Outta the box! And do the best I can! Then shine in the end. 

Lord Allah, I need You always to be by myside just like what You always do though most of the time I left You. 

 Sorry and thank You… Nothing I can do without You

Being famous is cool?

How happy are you to be famous? 

How important it is for you to be a famous person? 

I am amazed by what some people would do just to be famous. And believe me, I feel like people around are having a famous-wannabe disease. Suddenly people start to use the word “My” instead of “Our” whenever they speak about a collective project. And they tend to put so much guts to look and act cool. But that’s not the worst. Oh yea, my friend, that’s not. The worst is how they are so willing to be the coolest at conversations. It starts to frustrate me how people are competing on arguments at lunch, or in usual jokes, or even in some small group discussions. I mean, their arguments are not actually an argument. They don’t give a logical reason why people should agree about their ideas. Instead, they mock other’s ideas. Why would I give respect to a brainless jerk like that? Being famous is either a talent or something you gain with blood and tears. I mean, you’re gonna be famous if you have fight for something, eventhough it might be a wrong thing. But you don’t get famous by inviting people to an event only you think is cool. And surely you don’t be a Society Sweetheart by going on a cool place where you do nothing because you’re too fearful to try things, you’re a sweetheart because by going on a trip you’ll have an experience you can share with people. Most of all, you cannot be a famous person until something attached to you makes people go “awesooooommmeeee.” 

 Seriously, Gandhi is famous for his awesome kindness and lifeguides. Models and actress are famous for either their awesome good looks or great acting. Philosophers get famous because of their awesomely random thoughts. So many people in history are famous for their awesome clever brains. Columbus get famous because of his awesome bravery. And ounces of other people are famous because they do awesome things that plays a good role in society. Not by babbling arrogantly over some usual breakfast that people really want to peacefully enjoy. Or, at least, people could get famous by being extremely mean, or greedy, or just say, bad. Yeah you could be famous by creating some awesomely extreme badness. But to do that you gotta be creative, clever, or physically strong. So if you cannot do or be anything awesome, just stay as you are right now. People are not born to be famous. There are still better ways to be known in society rather than being a snob who always wants to win a breakfast-table argument. Besides, being a social climber means you are actually a pathetic loser who are not satisfied with what life brings. Just chill around and you’re actually okay. 

 Do not let fame blinds you.